a morning jog that came too late

 So I went for a morning jog today.

See the update time? It's a morning jog indeed.

While I was running/hop walking, something occurred to me.

I believe it was in college the last time I went for a run that's over 1000m. And in that time, I had missed even more times when I should've shown up for 5K run sessions. And I failed them. I failed the training, failed my coach, and failed myself.

And, last night, I just learned that she has recently died of cancer.

Now there's no chance for that reconciliation I rehearsed in my head over the years but would never have had the courage to reach out and make true. Now that glimpse of fantasy is completely gone, there is no one to answer to, no one to apologize to... but myself.

By this time I have paused the jog and walked a distance twice. At the second time I almost thought I was going to puke. I bet my lips were pale as paper at that time.

And I see the people breezing through me. Some maybe in their 40's,  some may be over 60. And I realized this thing, this habit I never knew I can possibly drop. I have always, always, been incredibly aware of myself. So much that most of my memories are comprised of images of myself, looking at myself from a distance away. I never reminisce my memories in POV, which is exactly how I should've and always have perceived them.

Now it suddenly hit me. I have no one to answer to, no one to show off, no goals that are set by others.

All there is now is me and this road ahead of me.

Walk fast, jog slow. Whichever way. Just my way. Because no one but myself is going to judge my performance. No one knows my destination, nor the goals I have in mind (which I don't, by the way).

And honestly, I cannot believe that it took her gone to make me see.

She was a phenomenal teacher, a firm coach and a warm person.

I failed myself with her, and that was done. Now I'm on this road, just my pace and my way. I no longer have anyone to impress, to show off, or prove my worth. And I finally SEE. I shouldn't have tried so hard to prove that I was worthy, because every road is a way forward, and the team is not the only place to be. I had only needed to be myself, the best version I could've been, and I should've seen the answer... that it just wasn't for me, and I not for them.

So in the end I took about half an hour to finish my some 2k morning jog. Which I took breaks twice. But I did it. And for now, that's all that matters to me.

I'll be thinking of you, Miss Yu. I've missed you.